Andrew and Marissa Destroy Morocco

When Marissa and I got bored on the train ride from Assilah back to Fes, we had a pretty entertaining conversation by exchanging messages typed into the Notes app on my iPhone. Here's the conversation where we dissect every aspect and person we see on the train. Narration and stage directions will be in parentheses to let you know what was going on around us.


(The scene. Andrew stands on the crowded train car holding on for dear life as Marissa and Elle sit on the floor amongst the legs of standing Moroccans. Begin scene)

A: Is that a nose piercing or a mole on the woman in front of you?

M: A mole

A: As I feared...

M: You are the meanest

A: And she is the mole-iest

M: But the kid on her lap is adorable

(A minute passes)

A: I feel like we are in the Arab version of North Korea right now

M: Where the people are not starving

(A baby starts screaming two rows ahead on stage right)

A: I'll give you that. I've never punched a baby, but I want to hit that one... And then take its seat

(A man attempts to walk through the aisle selling snacks)

M: Is that guy really trying to sell cookies right now

A: I'll buy some for the baby if that's what it takes.

A: Also, imagine what would happen if this was Snakes on a Train

M: Thanks for putting that picture in my head. I was already wondering how the hell we would get out in the case of an emergency

(The screaming baby gets handed to people standing outside the train cart. Elle gets kicked as the baby is passed)

A: There appears to be a black market for the trading of small children. That was the second child I've seen assembly line passed to God knows where. Also, it was great that Elle got kicked and you said No problem! bahaha 

(A few minutes pass. Elle and Andrew now break social norms by sharing a seat with Elle positioned on Andrew's lap. Marissa stands next to them in the aisle.)
M: Ok so I don't have to go to the bathroom right now but when I do in like 30 mins it going to be hell. 

A: We're not in hell already?

M: No I am rather enjoying myself

A: Ok Stalin. Also, idk if you noticed, but the baby has been traded back, presumably in exchange for chocolate bars, and has not cried for 3 minutes 

(The train pulls into a station and a large group of people leave. Not enough to leave open seats for our characters though.)

M: Thank god. And how about that mass exodus?

A: The only thing that would make me happier now would be for a bunch of Moroccans to do a flash mob to a Destiny's Child song

M: What are the chances? Probably about as likely as finding a taxi to take you to the train station or riding in a horse cart that gets you there in under 10 minutes

A: I can already see it in my head. "...And the woman with mole is jumpin, jumpin"

A: Also can we take about the 11 year old tool in the leather jacket and ray bans three rows in front of us?

A: It's Halloween and he dressed up as a T-Bird from the Bollywood version of Grease

M: Also if we were in the states anyone of these men would have offered me a seat by now. F*** this patriarchal society business

A: Look at him. Sitting there, wearing his sunglasses because his eyes are too sensitive to fluorescent light, eating his chawarma, not offering his seat, playing the same eminem song on repeat. Can't even grow one hair on his chin and he's already acting patriarchal. 

A: He's gonna sit there and watch you standddd - rihanna

M: My thesis for Sadiqi's class (research conducted on Moroccan rails) 

M: Women are  marginalized by seating arrangements on overcrowded railway cars leading to illiteracy and reduced self worth

(A business man across from us offers us some of the snacks he and his family are eating)

A: I'd like to point out that breaking societal norms led to us being offered cookies

M: Well Ariel got offered a whole piece of cake when she road the train from Marrakesh alone

A: Well... She broke her computer by leaving a pen in it so that completely nullifies being offered a whole piece of cake

M: Let's not forget that my computer has a non functional battery and sounds like a dish washer when it is running

A: The businessman is very intrigued whenever you laugh at my messages. Should we let him get in on this dialogue in exchange for his unopened chocolate bar?

M: I dont know if he would enjoy our humor. Besides I am turned off by his fingers which look like juicy sausages

A: You're a cannibal. I'll bring that up in class discussion on Monday. Also, only in morocco is there a bootleg snack cart that comes right after the official snack cart.

M: Haha

(A few minutes are spent in deep contemplation. Times are desperate and the characters begin to talk in code about alcohol disguised in a coke bottle. A small child steals Andrew's Sidi Ali water bottle)

M: So when do think would be an appropriate time to break out the diet coke bottle?

A: 45 minutes ago

A: Also, that woman bought that child on the train (she was part of the baby-for-chocolate racket) and has since taught it how to steal goods

M: Gotta start young if you gonna survive. Give him five years and he will be ripping off tourists like a pro

A: After stealing my Sidi Ali, he better not even think of stealing the diet coke

A: Soooooooooooo

A: Should we take swigs? Y/n 

M: What the hell

A: It'll be like going to the circus drunk

Scene 2 - the 8-person train compartment
(Our heroes move into a train compartment when they switch trains. They begin to discreetly take turns drinking from the coke bottle filled with 70 dh "Energie Vodka", about $8.25, that they refer to as a bottle of "medina water." Elle joins the conversation. Pistachios, Pringles, gouda, and crackers are being passed around. Two Moroccan women and two Moroccan men are also in the compartment, but are talking amongst themselves and not sharing the food.)
A: THAT WAS LIKE CHRISTMAS

M: New game every time someone new comes into the cart we take a shot

A: REGARDLESS, HANNUKAH CAME EARLY THIS YEAR. Also, when I took my shot, the woman next to you showed the woman next to me a picture of her baby. Talk about a guilt trip

M: Africa problems. Don't feel bad that we were born in a country of privilege. 

M: And to save it for posterity, "Andrew you have the best nuts" - Elle nye

A: That's misleading. You should put some diet coke in your yogurt

A: I really wanna tell the woman next to me that the "medina water" is not water but vodka

E: We were so scandalous today. They are going to throw us out of this damn country!

(Lacking a spoon, Marissa begins to eat yogurt with her finger)

A: a finger is not a spoon, marissa

M: When in Afr (Andrew steals the phone)

A: GET YOUR SPOONS OFF MY PHONE!

M: I was fingering your phone with a different spoon

A: imma blitz p****928 that quote (The mother's email)

(In the background, Elle complains about not being included in the conversation)

M: do you even know what 928 is? As my moms new best friend you should

A: idk. Birthday? Street address? Area code? SAT score? Credit score? Number of Facebook friends? Closest interstate? A morse code message?

M: Definitely friends on facebook. I'll let you know that my mom is quite the socialite. Last weekend was girls weekend...

M: Andrew "I might be interested in putting cheese on my crackers" 

M: Elle Nye "i'll help you cheese your cracker"

M: Andrew "I could really get into that"

M: Elle "be my guest"

A: Thanks for writing that down because how could I possibly remember what I said 10 seconds ago

A: As the self appointed social chair of this train car, it's time to finish the medina water

E: yes it is!

M: Ole!

A: I definitely like Gouda. I've been converted from the gateway cheese of mozzarella

(Our heroes close the note and begin to play popular rap music from the phone. They continue eating snacks, fingering yogurts, and speaking to the surrounding Moroccans in Spanish until they arrive in Fes. Close curtains)

The End